Unfortunately, you won’t be the first woman to ask this question, nor will you be the last. You’ve both taken your vows, and no matter what’s happening in his life or between you two, he should at least be trying to fix things… Right?
Ideally, that will be the case, but you wouldn’t be reading this if it were.
They are a multitude of reasons your husband could have given up fighting for his marriage. Since we can’t hear your story specifically, we’ll give you four reasons why he could have given up. But, also four reasons why you might be the reason he has given up.
We will be generalizing here, and every point won’t apply to you. What you need to do is find the point that fits the most to your relationship
Here’s how we’ll approach this. The first half of the blog will be focused on your husband. Everything that could be making him nonchalant about the relationship while the second half will be focused on you.
Without knowing, you could be doing things that have made him give up.
No one is perfect. We can all make a few tweaks with our actions that provide us better results.
Hopefully, you’ll find something from reading this that will impact your marriage positively.
Before we get to the points though, I’ll like to say this doesn’t apply to married people only. Everything here applies to couples who are in an exclusive, committed, long-term relationship. With that being said, let’s get to it.
HERE ARE THE REASONS HE MIGHT NOT BE FIGHTING FOR HIS MARRIAGE.
1.HE LOST INTEREST.
I’ll like to get to this right away because it’s the easiest to recognize and solve, in my opinion. Unfortunately, it happens all the time, he becomes complacent, and he slowly loses interest in you.
For some, the routine of a stable relationship feels dull the more time passes. Married life/ the relationship becomes a stagnant groove, so he’s bored of it. Nothing seems to excite him anymore in his love life. It’s unfortunate but people can sometimes get so secure in their relationship that they no longer feed it. This could be happening to him ( and you as well, but we’ll get to that later)
It’s possible that while he loves you, he just doesn’t feel motivated to be present in his marriage.
Solution: There is no way you two have tried everything that’s humanly possible together. Did you visit a counsellor? Perhaps now is a good time for that.
2. THERE IS ANOTHER WOMAN IN THE PICTURE
Your mind has probably come to this already, and you might be right. If he is cheating, that will be a big reason why he no longer fights to keep you. The other woman has caught his attention and is all he thinks about. If this is the case, It leaves you with a decision to be made.
Should I stay or leave?
It’s totally up to you. Some couples manage to repair their relationship. Some even say they are more confident in each other after infidelity.
According to stats, over 60-80% of couples survive infidelity. That’s way higher than I suspected, so there is some hope, but not everyone is so lucky. Either way, your decision won’t be easy.
Solution: Just make sure to make the best decision for you, and in case you have a family, the kids. Only you know if your marriage is worth saving. Seek professional help together or alone if you have to, no matter what you decide to do.
3.HE MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH A HUGE CRISIS.
This might be his finances, or the loss of a loved one, or his job, etc. When people go through a crisis, they can become emotionally detached.
I won’t speak much about losing a loved one because most people get how it can affect a person and their relationship. My advice is to recommend therapy for them, especially if they become self-destructive/aggressive.
However, a big issue that may result in why your man is not showing up in his marriage is his financial situation. Studies reveal that men are twice as likely to feel the financial burden in a relationship (link)
Although men and women are expected to work and provide for their families nowadays, many men still have a much bigger ego blow when they go through financial problems. This could be what’s affecting your marriage.
There are cases where it gets so bad that he feels his wife is better off divorcing him. Finances play a huge role in how spouses show up in their marriage.
If you think back and notice that things were fine before the finances became an issue, then this is the problem.
Solution: Open communication. He will need a lot of emotional support with this. Just do what you can to let him know you’ll be there for him.
4. HE WANTS TO FIX THE MARRIAGE, BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW.
It is commonly said that men are generally more logical and women are more emotional.
Is it a generalization? Yes
Is there some truth to it? There’s no doubt.
Men and women are different and how they navigate through life is very different as well. He may want the marriage fixed but doesn’t know how. He views the problem differently than you.
If this is the case, you both need to listen to each other without challenging the other’s opinion. Then try to guide him better on how he could show up for you in the marriage.
Solution: Your priority should be getting a good outcome for both of you. There is a lot of help available. Read books that can help or make an appointment with a professional relationship coach.
HERE ARE THE REASONS YOU MIGHT BE WHY HE ISN’T FIGHTING FOR THE MARRIAGE.
This will not be easy to do, and again I understand and empathize. I do not want to blame you because almost anyone will react negatively when they are not happy with their love life.
It’s rare that your husband is entirely to blame for all that is happening. The truth is that it doesn’t matter who is at fault or who makes the first move to save the relationship/marriage. What matters is the outcome. Ask yourself how you could be contributing to the problem?
Accountability is critical here. We all have to look in the mirror and identify an area we can improve. Like Madonna said, “No matter who you are, no matter where you’ve come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.”
1. THERE IS NO TRUST.
Trust is a very fragile thing; once broken, it can be tough to repair. Many people think trust can only be broken by cheating. Infidelity will break the trust in a relationship; there’s no doubt about that. But, trust can also be broken when you expose secrets you weren’t supposed to. For example:
You’re arguing, and you use the secrets he’s shared with you to attack him or embarrass him in public. For example, if you know, he is sensitive about his parents abandoning him. Do not use that against him when you argue.
It might not be an immediate break of trust like infidelity, but do this often enough, and he will lose all confidence in you.
2. YOU’RE NO LONGER THE FUN, FLIRTY WOMAN HE MARRIED.
I want to start by saying that while this might be hard to hear, I totally understand how it can happen.
Anyone can slip up and become complacent in a long-term relationship. It can be really challenging to maintain the spark of your marriage.
After taking care of business out in the world, it’s not easy to come home and put in some more work for your marriage. But it has to be done; the worst thing you can do to your relationship is to ignore your spouse.
Most people don’t do this maliciously, but they are so busy with everything else that their partner gets their leftovers every day.
Yes, you might be more productive, wiser, and efficient around the house and your place of work. But you’re not fun to be around anymore, you’re no longer the goofy, flirty girl he knew, and you definitely do not have time to just have a pleasant chat with him. The children need your attention, work does too, and you have your share of the chores to do as well.
If you’re doing this, do you realize how he only gets you when everything else under the sun is accomplished?
That’s not the version of you he fell in love with.
Not the busy, efficient, super mom/businesswoman that you are. Not saying that those qualities are bad but are they sexy to him?
To some, yes, but most likely not. Try to switch it up and watch out for his reaction.
You need to spice things up again. Give him your best self, and you don’t even have to do this every day (that’s almost impossible anyway). Just make sure to take time for both of you at least once a week. I am not suggesting eating out here; you can find ways to have fun at home: play some games, watch your favourite show together, cook together.
The best way you can do this is to find the fun in every situation you’re in. This will make you happier and more energetic at home & there is no way it wouldn’t rub off on him as well.
3. HE KNOWS YOU’LL TOLERATE IT ANYWAY.
This is for those whose husbands are cheating, indulging in substance abuse, or acting in any of the numerous ways deemed as dealbreakers to most.
Here’s an uncomfortable truth: If there are no consequences to bad behaviour, people will be unruly.
How many people do you think will commit crimes if they knew they would get away with it for sure?
A whole lot, unfortunately.
Boundaries and consequences are important in life. Society will crumble without it, and so will any relationship as well.
It’s not easy to do this because you’ll have to confront a person you love and be very firm with them, but it must be done.
If your husband is emotionally abusive and he knows you’ll ultimately do nothing about it, he will keep on doing it.
I am not saying you must divorce your husband or dangle the threat of divorce on him. Though sometimes you might have no other choice. There have to be consequences for bad behavior, though, or else he will take you for granted.
It is very true that people don’t appreciate what they have until it’s gone or no longer the same.
If there are no clear disadvantages for disrespecting you, why should anyone respect you for stepping all over your boundaries?
This could be why he doesn’t care about how you feel about the marriage. He knows you’ll do nothing about it anyways.
4. YOU’RE ALWAYS NEGATIVE:
It’s easy to allow your thoughts to paint anything your husband does as a negative when you’re going through bad times. If you allow this to fester, everything he does will trigger you and incite a fight.
It’s a slippery slope.
If you keep criticizing every move he makes, or you try to micromanage him, it will only lead to failure.
No one likes it when their partner does this, and the only reason you do this to your partner is that you have somewhat of a negative view of him.
Your husband will not even want to be home with you if he knows the slightest thing can spark an argument. This could be why he prefers to stay out of the home because the home is no longer a place of peace. You are no longer a place of peace to him.
Negativity is like an avalanche. It starts small, but before you know it, it crushes everything in its path.
Make sure to catch yourself whenever you notice you’re about to be negative, especially when it can be avoided.
Start with positivity, start with being a great partner in the morning. Be sweet with him even if he tries to start a fight, you respond with positive energy. You have to begin making new positive experiences with your husband again.
WHAT TO DO NOW
Someone has to make the first move to change the atmosphere of your marriage. Why not you?
If you two can stop fighting, I guarantee you will get things back in order with time.
This is a bump in the road of your relationship, and I want you to look at it as such. Things may not be the best right now, but your relationship can go back to what it was and even better than it was, if you are willing to work on it and change some of your habits Book now an appointment with a professional relationship coach or marriage counsellor to help you.
Ultimately I want you to know that you will come out okay from this. I wish you all the best.